The Long-Time High-Heat® Cookbook
by
Monsieur Longtemps, Chef de Cuisine
With additional material contributed by
Monsieur Haut-Chaud, Sous-Chef
Lord Kelvin, Chef de Dessert
and
Monsieur Allez-pour-ça-Toujours,
Saucier,
Chef de Pastrie, and
Inventor of the Methode
Table of Contents
Warning: This book is a joke! Except for this page, do not believe
anything you read in this book. Do not attempt to follow any of the
recipes. The authors, publisher, and everyone associated in any way,
however peripheral, with the production and distribution of this book,
including but not limited to their families, heirs, friends, pets,
neighbors, the mail carriers who brought their checks, and the delivery
people who brought pizza during the long, hot writing sessions, disclaim
any and all responsibility for any injury or insult resulting from the
recipes in this book.
Enemies; them you can sue.
Introduction: The Invention of the Methode
The Historic Day dawned like any of ten thousand others, with no sign,
hint, or portent of the Great Event that was about to occur.
Later that day, with the natural and unaffected brilliance which is his
watermark, Monsieur Allez-pour-ça-Toujours proceeded to cook
a simple American hamburger.
Using his humble genius which borders on the miraculously accidental,
Monsieur Allez-pour-ça-Toujours turned the heat to "High"
(!) and left the meat sizzling unattended for a Long Time (!).
Eventually, with that air of inevitability that pervades all the
greatest discoveries, Monsieur Allez-pour-ça-Toujours Père
noticed the signs of the incipient breakthrough -- predominantly copious
quantities of greasy smoke -- and reacted with the horror and fear
which are the typical reaction of the merely conventional when
confronted the truly new: "What are
you doing? You cook food for a long time at low heat, or a
short time at high heat, but you never cook for
a Long Time at High Heat!"
Sitting nearby, coincidentally within earshot, Monsieur Haut-
Chaud could not fail to overhear this statement of traditional values.
But with the innocent childlike creativity of an Einstein, Monsieur
Haut-Chaud grabbed this thought and refused to let go, despite
considerable outside pressure from the many who could never understand
the true implications of the discovery about to be made.
"What if?", he thought repeatedly.
"What if?" we ignored convention; "What if?" we turned
the entire world of cooking on its side, heading in a different direction
altogether?
And then, finally, the Momentous Thought: "What if?" we
did cook for a long time at high heat?
And thus history was made.
Benefits of Long-Time High-Heat Cooking
- Long-Time, High-Heat Cooking is Low Fat.
With the Long-Time, High-Heat Methode, virtually all fat in any food
will literally evaporate.
- Long-Time, High-Heat Cooking is Low in Calories.
There are many weight-loss diets out there: low-fat, low-carbohydrate,
liquid protein.
Many people don't know that not only fat, but also protein and
carbohydrate add calories to food!
With the Long-Time, High-Heat cooking methode, most of these calories
are eliminated.
In fact, you'll be hard-pressed to find any nutrients of any kind in the
charred lumps remaining after proper application of the Long-Time,
High-Heat Methode.
- Long-Time High-Heat Cooking is Safe.
Along with fat, protein, carbohydrates, and calories, the Long-Time,
High-Heat Methode kills most known bacteria, denatures bacterial toxins,
deactivates viruses, and -- when used properly -- will even
destroy the prions that cause Mad Cow Disease!
Note: Ingesting the significant
quantities of carbon produced by Long-Time High-Heat cooking may
contribute to an increased risk of colon cancer and esophageal
lacerations.
However, this has not yet been proven, and anyway, nothing in
life is free.
- Long-Time High-Heat Cooking is Economical.
Use the cheapest, fattiest, toughest cuts of meat you can find. Use
gristle and bone. Use whatever vegetable costs the least for the most.
Believe us, it won't matter!
With the Long-Time High-Heat Methode, you won't be able to tell the
difference!
- Long-Time High-Heat Cooking is Simple.
No need for complicated timers or thermometers.
With the Long-Time High-Heat Methode, timing and temperature
are not critical.
The anticipated results will be obtained with a wide range of
temperatures, and you can usually tell when the dish is done: when you
can't see the food for the smoke and have difficulty breathing, it's
done! Just apply fire extinguisher and eat!
In fact, you don't even need a stove or oven, just a
ready source of large quantities of high heat for a long time.
- Long-Time High-Heat Cooking is Flexible.
Husband (or wife) come home late without calling? Can't get the family
all around the dinner table at the same time?
With the Long-Time High-Heat Methode, it doesn't matter!
Cook food for as long as you like: two, three, four hours, until Whoever
decides to show up.
And even when not eaten immediately, food cooked with the Long-Time
High-Heat Methode remains hot and just as appetizing as when first made.
Our Other Book shows how you can:
- Cook food quickly when time is at a premium. Once the shaped charges
are placed, most foods are cooked in 0.0015 seconds or less!
- Easily tenderize even the toughest meats!